the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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