nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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