No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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