My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
