What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
