weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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