I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
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