I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
