I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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