I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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