She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
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I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
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I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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