I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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