Are my feet made of real feet?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
