i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Quick, to the slutcave!
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
