i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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