I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
