My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
