i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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