I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Randomize
