we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
