whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
