Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
