Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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