She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
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