i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Couch. On fire.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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