Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
