in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
These tits shall not be calmed
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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