So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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