Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
