i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
