RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
