this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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