Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
