Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
