Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
