Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
