Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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