I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
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He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
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I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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