this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
