My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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