you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Randomize
