I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
