it wasn't lemon gatorade
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
