I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
me + whiskey = a bad person
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