Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
