I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
