how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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