Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
