I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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