I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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