I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
