There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Can I color on your dick again?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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