i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
