Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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