he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
