I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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