i permit you to call me
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
