You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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