theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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