there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
