I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
