Cold hands, warm shart.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
