So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
