Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Randomize
